Tis the Season... of Change -- Grace

The past few weeks have been full of new changes.

Morrigan took my (Grace's) words from the last post to heart and actually solved the major stumbling block she was having, which involved telling her best friend a few things about herself that she thought would change everything... Turns out, her fears were unfounded and things on that front have changed very little, which, in this case, is a very good thing indeed. She has taken great strides toward not hiding herself completely; I am quite proud of her.

We have had little time to work with Shiloh and Marie... Mostly due to the fact that we have been hired on with a job agency and we are now working 50 hours a week at a local factory. It's a major change, especially since we are working 2nd shift (5pm-3:30am). It's hard work, but we've found it very enjoyable. We like our co-workers a lot and the actual tasks are not that difficult, merely repetitive. Our feet are killing us. One of our co-workers said during his first week he felt like there were pieces of glass in his feet, which is pretty accurate. Our counselor is concerned that we're working too much, but we thought it over (and sought out the opinion of our mom) and realized that this is a "genuine adult effort to get ahead in life" (quote from one of our supervisors). One of our main goals is to become independent: buy a car, rent an apartment, pay off student loans, buy stuff we want. This job will allow us to do so, at the cost of not having much free time in the immediate future. Morrigan, Tommi, and I are so excited about what lies ahead of us now that we have a means to gain our independence.

Well, now that I think about it, there hasn't been that many changes, but the ones that have happened seem quite large.

On a different note, I want to mention a few other things. I want to point out that when Erin was first diagnosed with DID, Erin, as a whole, was alone, angry, chaotic, extremely depressed, miserable, and unstable. And now? We have family and friends who genuinely care and love us unapologetically. We have managed to learn to work together in such a way that has created some stability (we are not at all claiming that we are completely stable; we just know that we are more stable now than we have been in a long time). And, what I think is one of the most important things, those of us who are active in living outside, we are happy. We are happy, confident, and unabashedly ourselves. I think that's a miracle if I ever saw one. 

One and Only -- Grace

"A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself-and especially to feel, or not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at any moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is. Most people love you for who you pretend to be. To keep their love, you keep pretending - performing. You get to love your pretense. It's true, we're locked in an image, an act - and the sad thing is, people get so used to their image, they grow attached to their masks. They love their chains. They forget all about who they really are. And if you try to remind them, they hate you for it, they feel like you're trying to steal their most precious possession.”

-- Jim Morrison

Exclusive. Lone. Individual. Unique. Special. Uncommon. Single. Rare. Peerless. Matchless. Unparalleled. Treasure

That is what every individual identity is across the world. Not just those of us within Erin. But those within you, your neighbor, your brother, your sister, you friends, your teachers, your parents. Every identity you come across is one of a kind; you won't be able to find someone precisely like them. 

It's because of this that some of the things we do piss me off to no end. Erin as a whole is unique; not because of our DID, but because Erin is an individual human being. Within Erin we have separate identities, each of which is also unique. We each have different backgrounds, experiences, fears, dreams, tastes. 

Bloomer loves bots and mecha. Ellie loves My Little Pony and fish sticks (funny story in that, actually). Tommi loves coffee and Fringe. Naomi loves fantasy RPGs and Mara: Daughter of the Nile. Marie will soon be on her way to figuring out what she likes and dislikes. I, personally, love listening to the stories the others read.

And then we come to Morrigan (yes, this post is mostly about my views on her, and, in many ways, it is directed towards her). She loves Lie To Me and mock-fighting. She has impressed me with her abilities of leadership and compassion for identities within and without. Morrigan is so careful to take everyone's opinions and include them in her decisions and actions. She knows how to weigh priorities and sort through the little things to find what is really important. Morrigan is so talented. She's a great singer. Wonderful friend. Compassionate leader. She is everything we could ask for and want... And I wish to share her with the world because she has so much to offer. 

I'm not saying that I want her to stretch herself to the limit to give everything to everyone. She often tells those of us within that she "is not superwoman." I merely want people around us to see what a beautiful identity she really has become. She loves people so intensely, yet she constantly hides herself. Time and time again, I watch as she quietly holds out the basic front we consider to be Erin. Morrigan puts up barriers thinking that people don't want to see her, that they don't want to listen to her. The most obvious symptom of this is the way she hides her voice.

I understand how difficult is is for some of us to explain away the way we talk. Ellie, for example, is afraid of people not understanding why her voice is so tiny, so she hides it when those who don't know about our multiple identities are around. This is completely justifiable and it's a much needed precaution many times. However, Ellie knows that, when she is around those who know, she can drop the front and be herself in all her adorable glory. I, myself, have to pay attention to how I talk so I don't swear so much, as people are not used to Erin cussing. I had to restrain myself earlier tonight talking with our mom because I know she really dislikes swearing and I respect her immensely.

So I understand that Morrigan conceals her accent when she is at school, where the mass majority of people have no clue about our multiplicity. This makes sense: it avoids difficult or awkward questions and it protects us from people who may be afraid and treat us differently. This is what I simply cannot understand: Why is it so damn hard for Morrigan to be her accented self when around her closest of friends? She has so few that she calls her close friends, yet she is afraid that her accent is going to somehow scare them off. We have told them about our DID; some of them have seen the negative effects of being a multiple. None of those who she has trusted has decided it is too much, and, yet, she thinks her accent, something that is relatively minor, will be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

Morrigan has told me before that when she conceals her accent, she feels as though she is a bold-faced liar. She is so concerned with being herself, just like every other identity with Erin. She struggles with it alongside the rest of us. There is a dichotomy within us: how do we be our individual selves yet present a cohesive whole to the general public? I fear that she has taken our cohesiveness too personally.

Yes, I have spoken at length with Morrigan about this. Yes, she understands and agrees with my concerns. She also is actively struggling with how to remedy the situation.

I wish there was some way I help her more. Support her more as she has supported the rest of us. Tommi and I have tried to bolster her courage by lending her confidence. She has prayed to her God at length and has petitioned Him many times. I, honestly, have half a mind to just talk to those who she is afraid of scaring off and proving to her that they are far more hardy and loyal than she is currently realizing.

However, I know one day she will have the courage to be the gorgeous, shining, sensational individual that is within her. I see it smoldering in her heart like embers begging for a breath of air. She'll get there, but my greatest fear is that, for a few of her current friends, eventually may be too late.

-- Grace

Losing Time -- Morrigan

One of the traits/effects of DID is that the affected person tends to have gaps in time for which they cannot account. It has been a long time since we have dealt with that specific issue, due to the fact that we have a rather sophisticated communication system in place. In fact it has been at least a year and a half since we have had to deal with this specifically. And even then it didn't bother us too much because we generally knew who had been out and for how long. So even though we could not say what we had did, we at least could figure it out due to the usual behavior patterns of the person who was out at the time.

And now? We are losing time. With no explanation. With no idea who was out at the time. And sometimes it's even difficult to figure out what length of time we have missed, since we can't specifically point to when the lost time started. Definitively, there have been two distinct periods of time we have lost within the past few weeks.

The first time started (we think) just after Tommi finished washing dishes. Then the next thing we know, we are sitting in our room, in the dark, while eating peanut butter off a spoon.

The second time, I (Morrigan) was playing solitaire on our computer. The next thing we know, we woke up the next morning in bed. We later found a 13 minute video on our computer which was recorded by Marie and Shiloh. That only accounts for 13 minutes out of the possible hours they could have been out.

On top of that, we are losing the ability to keep track of time within the White Room. It used to be easy to know what time it was, but ever since we have untangled, it has gotten harder and harder. This normally wouldn't be an issue, except it's affecting our relationships with various people.

When I came out today, I could have sworn it was still Thursday or Friday evening (it doesn't help that one of our weekly "landmarks" has been switched from Thursdays to Fridays). Instead it its Saturday evening. Which, again, wouldn't be too much of an issue had I not promised to reply to a friend's message a day or so ago (I cannot remember what day I promised to do this, which frustrates the hell out of me). I know what general activities we have done, such as letting Ellie play and babysitting for a neighbor, but the timeline is all screwed up.

What is going on? Why are we going through this phase, for I really hope this is a phase... I know from past experience that we have a period of calm and then one of chaotic happenings. Things have been relatively calm over the summer and for most of the Fall semester (minus the mash-up, which was confusing, but still less chaotic than other things that have happened). Perhaps this is our next period of chaos? Random switching, gaps of lost time, inability to keep track of time...

---------------------

To whomever it is stealing time, just talk to us; let us know what is going on. We want to share our life with you, not keep you locked away from being out. We want to live in harmony with you. So help us help you.

-- Morrigan

Things in mirror are closer than they appear -- Erin (or whoever I am)

The last time I wrote, I was fairly optimistic that things would get worked out rather quickly. It's been about 3 weeks and we're still all tangled up together. I'm frustrated with the situation and wish that people could get themselves untangled, but I've found out some things that complicate matters.

Last Sunday (September 16), Morrigan tried extremely hard to untangle herself. But she got pulled back within the tangle by these purple-black cords (similar to what Venom looks like when a bell tolls). Morrigan yelled out, "This isn't fair!" To which, Justice replied, "Since when has Justice ever been fair?" It was at this moment that I realized that, while we might have gotten tangled up on accident, we were being held this way by someone else inside. It seems like Chaos & Justice has struck again. Since realizing that, I have been trying to find and talk to Ellie, since she was the one who put a stop to their shenanigans the last time. I have had no success thus far.

To be honest, this severely decimated what little optimism I had of this tangle being dealt with quickly. I met with my counselor today and I know that this information has her very worried as well.

If this were not enough, our dad lost his job today. There are a lot of emotions and feelings that are attached to that statement, but, needless to say, I am very worried and afraid. Many things have been going through my head of what this could mean for me and my family. It basically boils down to, if they move away from this immediate area, I will have to get my own place, as the majority of my support system, which includes my counselor and certain friends, is in this area. We also will have to find a room-mate as it is unhealthy for us to live alone at this point in time. Finding a suitable room-mate is difficult in the best of times for anyone; for us with all our issues, it can only be even more so.

The external stability that we value and appreciate so highly has been shaken. I have had one panic attack and almost several more since my dad told me about all this.

But here's the good news, that support system that I need so desperately, my faith in them is well founded. I was whisked away by two of my biggest supporters (honestly, they're more like big, lovable, protective brothers to us all) along with two of their very close friends, whom we are excited to get to know better. They have made life easier to handle. I can look at my situation without panicking. As long as I have friends like these, it's going to work out. Life might get more crazy and nearly impossible to deal with, but we have friends who need us and love us all very much. Because of them, I can say I'm happy today. My life feels like it's crashing around my feet, but I am calm and collected, ready to deal with what comes.

It feels so good to be able to say, Erin is happy today and she's excited about tomorrow.

-- Erin, or whoever I am.

Who am I? -- Erin (or whomever I happen to be)

I woke up today around 4:30 in the afternoon, which means we got over 14 hours of sleep last night. When I finally got out of bed, I couldn't figure out who I was. I've been trying to figure that out since I've been awake; still no luck.

I know for certain that I am not Grace, as she talked to me a little bit ago. According to her, my form keeps "flickering" so I appear very blurry. She says I'm no one she recognizes, but that it doesn't necessarily mean anything. I could be someone new, or I could just be an accidental mash-up of a lot of people.

I don't think I'm Morrigan, or Tommi, or Naomi, or Ellie, or Yomi, or anyone else that I know the name of. I'm not entirely worried about this right now; I'll be more worried tomorrow if this is still happening. If it is, I fully intend on calling up my counselor and leaving her a voice mail. I'm just glad that this is Labor Day weekend, which means I don't have school on Monday. That gives me one more day to figure this out.

It's pretty confusing, but not frightening. We've lost track of our identities before, and we've always been able to figure it out. I just hope I'm not someone new; that could possibly be a bad thing.

I spent the day (what little of it I was awake) trying to relax and not worry about anything. That was pretty simple, though the weather gave me some worry. There was a really big storm cell that passed through my area. The tornado sirens went off and my parents and I put our cats in carriers or the bathroom. I for one nearly took a nap with my cat in the bathtub. I was pretty comfortable.

I just hope this gets figured out by tomorrow. 

Where I Belong -- Tommi

Things are hard again. Our period of respite and (mostly) stable-ness is over; we definitely enjoyed it (as our counselor urged us to do).

It ended with the sudden reappearance of Sader (who has finally chosen her own name: Naomi). Our counselor decided to explore what middle and high school was like for Yomi and Naomi... The problem is that Naomi believes that she's not supposed to feel anything; we have no idea where she got that idea. Fortunately, Naomi doesn't give her emotions away... Unfortunately, she just bottles them inside and they leak over onto everyone else.

I am glad that Naomi has decided to stick around. She says that she's missed out on 4 years of life and she's not about to miss any more. So she's helping out with school, which started up a little over a week ago. Learning Naomi's take on what happened in middle and high school definitely allows us to better understand how Yomi got to where she's at now.

At the same time though, Morrigan and I aren't doing so well. Both of us feel we need to be strong for our internal family and in order to make it though the school semester (and possibly hold a job). The truth is that neither of us feel strong. We help each other best we can. We understand that our strength comes from the support of our internal family, and so we ask each other for help when we need it... But we still feel so weak, as though we'll come apart if someone realizes what's actually happening.

So we smile, laugh, joke. We hide the truth from the casual passerby, hoping that the strength we glean from one another will endure and last through anything life throws at us. 

Blending -- Tommi & Morrigan

In therapy, we have been discussing a sub-goal with our counselor that we have come to call "Blending." Our current definition of Blending: 

Two or more alters coming together in thought and behavior to the point where it may become difficult to distinguish where one stops and the other begins. Thoughts become aligned and are as one. However, the alters are still distinct and are in control of different functions. 

We realize this definition is rather... confusing. However, due to the nature of Blending, it's a bit hard to define adequately. Instead, let us explain through our experiences with it. 

As we have mentioned before, we work at a summer camp as an assistant cook. While we are working, Morrigan, Tommi, and Grace work together so seamlessly that we share thoughts and behavior. Morrigan tends to take the role of the "public face," interacting with the campers and speaking to the Counselors and cook for us. Tommi takes the role of controlling our body; he chops the vegetables, mixes the kool-aid, and makes sure we drink enough water. While Grace stays in the background (where she claims she cannot feel the heat nor our sweat) and feeds us energy from her own personal store. While we are Blending, we do not think "Oh, Morrigan needs to do this now," or "Tommi, cut that for us, will you?" It is seamless; we do not have to address each other to know exactly what must be done and who will do what. We have found that we can communicate with one another as individuals while Blending, but we have to concentrate in order to do that. 

After work, we sit down, relax, and allow ourselves to separate and become very distinct yet again. The exciting thing about Blending is that we still know who is who while still being able to do what we need to do without stopping to directly communicate with one another. 

We by no means want Blending to be our only existence because it's mentally taxing to maintain this state for a whole day. Also, it's like never being allowed to have alone time and we get rather tired of each other's company faster when we Blend. However, we feel this is a great alternative to Integration because it is a temporary state over which we have control. It is also a useful tool to have under our belt for when we have a part- or full-time job. Our counselor could not be more happy about our progress in this direction.

However, we have run into a potential downside to Blending. 

The camp's head cook quit right after the lunch meal on Tuesday; fortunately, there was not an evening meal to prepare since it was scheduled for a pack-out, which is when they eat a meal at their units. The head cook promised us that he would not quit because he wasn't there for the money, he was there for the Counselors, the other assistant cook, and us. We took him for his word... And then he broke his promise. Morrigan, Tommi, and Grace immediately went into a meltdown. Honestly, it was Morrigan and Tommi who were freaking out, but Grace was drawn into the emotional break since she was Blended with them. 

For the first time, there was no one to come out and take care of life while the rest of us freaked out inside. Ellie was available, but sending her out was not an option. So we were forced to deal with the stressful situation like any other average person. It was terrifying. 

Fortunately, our bosses were very supportive and they alleviated our fears (that working int the kitchen would turn into how it was last year: a nightmare) and things were eventually okay. Morrigan even learned that sometimes it's okay to admit that you're not alright. 

While this effect of Blending is manageable, and, honestly, healthy to learn how to handle, it is definitely an unexpected effect.

We really hope this hasn't been as confusing as it could have been. We're still trying to figure out how to explain this phenomenon. So if any clarification is needed, please ask! We really need the feedback. 

(This article was written while Tommi & Morrigan were Blended together.)

The rustling of old memories -- Morrigan

Last summer, our sister managed to get us a job at a camp kitchen as an assistant cook. This year, we took the same job. However, this time our co-workers and working conditions are much, much more pleasant.

The camp we are working at is almost in the middle of no where. At least, it feels that way. It's about 20 minutes to the nearest town and it is in the middle of a state park. It's right next to a decent sized, but not huge, lake in which the campers can swim and canoe. The camp is very peaceful and wonderful. The only "big" problem is that we mostly don't have air conditioning and the kitchen is frequently over 120F (about 49C). The head cook talked to the higher ups and was able to convince them to get us a very small A/C unit in our small break room (where we sometimes take naps between meals).

I went on a night hike with one of the counselors (her camp name is Kaleidoscope); her and I are becoming good friends. When we headed back, Kaleidoscope got a bit turned around and it took us a while to find our way back to the trail.

I felt lost. I felt like a little kid again. I began to see evergreen trees instead of the leafy trees that were actually there. I felt cold, like I was back in Maine. I was so scared. Tommi helped me as much as he could by telling me I was safe and that Kaleidoscope knew where she was going and we were going to be okay. His encouragement probably kept me from having a meltdown. When we got back to the lodge where I sleep, I was a wreck. Kaleidoscope was worried, but I passed it off by being afraid of the dark, which is partially true. 


A year and a half ago, when I finally understood and came to terms with what was happening, I set my life in Alter aside and embraced my new life in this "new" world. I thought that meant that my past couldn't haunt me anymore, so I left it alone and didn't think much more about it. I learned to work through my distrust of people, my prejudice against humans, and my anger issues. I adapted to this new life well. I love Erin's parents and I call them "my mom" and "my dad." I love the many friends that we've collected. I love going to the coffee shop. I love my new hobby: Magic the Gathering. I love my internal family. 


My personal triggers became nonexistent. Listening to others talk about things that had also happened to me didn't bother me. I didn't like discussing what all my dad in Alter had done, but I thought it was because it wasn't important anymore. I had the chance to become somebody completely different, and I took complete advantage of it. 


So the flashback to when I was about five or six years old came out of no where for me. Since then I have been working to not being afraid of the woods at night. I've been writing down everything I remember about what my dad in Alter did. It's painful, but I know I need to get rid of it. I want so desperately to be free of anything that will hold me back. I would rather be anxious now while facing my fears than be afraid all the rest of my life. I already told a few of the counselors that I am planning on going on night hikes with them. I have been invited to stay out in the middle of the woods at a unit by a counselor as well. I have every intention of doing it. I know I'm going to be scared as hell, but I will survive and I will come out stronger for it. 

Things are going to be hard again. -- Ellie

Hiii everybody. It's me, Little Ellie Erin (I have Tommi helping me to make sure the spelling and stuff is right so it's easier to read). We have a lot going on and a lot has been happening and I realized Tommi an Morrigan have not been writing it on here.

I do not remember how long ago it was now, but Yomi disappeared along with Ginko (YAAY we do not get along very well. I know I should not feel happy about it, but I do), Rachel, an Bloomer (very very very very SAD). Me and Tommi and Morrigan and Grace have been taking care of things. Tommi an Morrigan got a very good grade on their last math test. They were very scared that they would get a bad grade because Bloomer wasn't there to take the test for us. But they got a good grade and we are very happy about that. We think we also got a good grade on our art project. We should be putting pictures up of it soon. I really like it. It's a really good book.

But like I was saying, Yomi and people disappeared. It's scary. We all were trying so hard to help her and to help her not be so very sad, but she left us. We are not angry... Well, maybe we are a little. I know I am a little. I am not so mad at Yomi, because I understand she had to leave, but I am mad that she did not say goodbye or tell us that she had to leave. She just POOF left. I wish she had said bye.

And it makes us feel a lot guilty for saying this. And by a lot I mean LOTS and LOTS guilty, so please don't think us bad for this. Things have gotten easier since Yomi left. I think she knew that it would. I think she knew that would could get better faster if she was not around so that when she is ready, we are strong enough to help her. We feel bad that we are... Tommi says the word is relieved. We feel bad that we are relieved, but I know that Yomi is going to come back. And when she does we are going to be able to help her in ways that we could not this time.

So now we are going to be working very hard on some very hard things. Some very... scary things. Things that I have been wanting to work on since I ran away from Blissy for the final time. Things I have been ready to work on for over a year now. Tommi and Morrigan have worked passed some of their biggest problems and they are much stronger now. They work together now very well.

So now it's my turn.

Our counselor says that if I am ready, we can work on me not being afraid of swings and playgrounds. I asked my mommy to help me because I know I am going to be very very very very afraid. Our counselor says that we are going to have to go to playgrounds and listen to swings and look at swings and MAYBE sit on a swing, but that comes much later I think. I am very afraid of swings. I made Tommi promise that I could take my baby blanket and Pinkie the stuffed animal rabbit with me. He said of course. They help protect me from bad things.

Just thinking about this makes me nervous. But I have a Tommi and a Morrigan and a Mommy to help me this time. It's more than I had when it all happened the first time.

Tommi says things are going to be very hard for a while. He thinks I'm going to have nightmares and panic attacks. I do not know if he is right. I know that he has those when he gets triggered so maybe it will be like that for me too.

But if people who read this can please talk to Mister God and Mister Jesus to help me cuz I'm going to need all the help I can get. I'm going to be asking them too. Actually, I'm probably going to sing-ask it, because that's how I talk to Mister God and Mister Jesus.

Thank you all you many people from all over the planet for listening to a little girl like me.

-- Little Ellie Erin (with Tommi helping with spelling and stuff HeeHeeHee)

Hope on the edge of destruction .-- Morrigan

I'm just going to let you all know upfront that I don't really know what's going to be in this post. I'm definitely not looking for advice or anything. I've just got a lot on my mind, so this really just an explosion of thoughts. I'll try my best to keep it coherent, but since my own thoughts are all mixed together, that's going to be an interesting goal.

Honestly, there have been two things that have been plaguing me the most. One is rather happy and exciting... or it might be... Tommi thinks it's exciting, but I'm terrified of the outcome. We have a pretty good guy friend that I've recently begun to take an interest in. Tommi keeps encouraging me to "go for it" but it scares me. The last time I liked someone, it turned out that he was a split from me and his sole purpose was to teach me to love myself. So I kind of think of it as being rigged; I was supposed to end up liking him in order to understand that I am lovable too. That being said, it means that I've never legitimately liked a guy enough to actually do something about it. However, I think a lot of people can relate to that. It's not an uncommon phenomenon. After all, I'm just a girl falling for the boy next door.

I guess it's bothering me because he consumes a large portion of my thoughts... Again, I'm sure others can relate to this, which is comforting to me. It's some kind of normalcy in my life of complexity. What amazes me is that all of us (and I really mean all of us) are comfortable around him. Ellie, who is usually hesitant or mildly fearful of men, enjoys being around him, even if he doesn't necessarily realize it's her. Tommi and our friend get along exceptionally well. As does Bloomer and Yomi (when she's actually out). I don't think Grace has spent much time around him, which doesn't reflect on him, rather it reflects on her own current state which I will explain later.

And while Tommi keeps encouraging me, I can't help but feeling as though I now understand what a single mother may feel when she thinks about dating. I come with a lot of people with me, a lot of baggage, and a lot of issues. Then again, who doesn't come with baggage and issues? I constantly worry that I'm going to mess things up and screw us up even more. I am afraid that I'll ruin a great friendship, not just for me, but for all of us within. Things are great now... But if things work out, they could be even better... And that is my hope. The situation is equal parts exciting, terrifying, exhilarating, and worrisome.

Illustration -- Tommi

Now, I know that we usually keep our personal life to ourselves and restrict this blog to what happens within, but I feel that this post is sort of about both since it's some of my thoughts on our future.

At the local college we attend, our art professor has kind of taken us under his wing and has been personally mentoring us in art and, sometimes, in life. He knows about all of us; in fact, he was the first man Yomi ever told about us, which is highly impressive since we all have issues with men. Not only does he know, but he's helped make the art studio a safe place for all of us.

Our prof also works as a freelance illustrator/artist and he is very, very good at what he does (if it didn't betray our location, I'd use his name and link to his art... oh well). Because of his profession, I've been asking about what he does and how to go about things and generally learning all I can about what being an illustrator is in actuality. What I've come to realize is that, yes, we want to be a concept artist, however, illustration might be more what Yomi was thinking originally and didn't know it. I know that it flows well with our career goals and it sounds like a lot of fun. I'm not so sure about the freelance part, but I hope that, one day, we're successful enough to be able to do it. In a way, I've already begun our (freelance?) art career by deciding to sell our stuff online during the summer, and I'm excited to see how that turns out.

I've begun to notice that because of my active interest in illustration, my prof has been pushing me more intentionally to where I need to go. For example, Morrigan asked him what I things I could do now to help me head toward where I want to go. His answer was to start collecting art, to figure out what I liked, what I didn't like, why I did or didn't like it. Then imitate it. Learn how to do it. Incorporate new ideas into my work. And so I started that last night; I basically decided that, while I'm on Facebook and G+, I'll browse the internet for some super sweet pictures. (If you're following our G+ page, I'll probably be posting links and/or the pictures I find.) There has been an immediate result within me. I already want to paint more. And not just paint, but little sketches. For the first time ever I actually want to sketch... For just me. Not because I have a project to do. Not because I was told to do it. But because I want to see what I can do. I've never felt that kind of motivation before. It astounds me. My prof said it's as though you feed your creativity by looking at great art so you can turn around and produce great art. So far it's been working and I'm really liking the change it's had in me already. I can only hope that it sticks, but I think I am optimistic about it this time.

-- Tommi

PS to 20 Cents -- Can you please tell your brother that, because of him, we avoid using the phrase "it's like..." as though it is the plague. I think he'll appreciate that.

Filled with wonder, awestruck wonder -- Morrigan

"Filled with wonder, awestruck wonder,

At the mention of Your Name, Jesus Your Name is power

Breath and living water

Such a marvelous mystery!"

("Revelation Song" by Phillips, Craig, & Dean)

I know that many people who read this may not believe in God. That's fine; I'm not trying to change your mind about that. I do believe in God and I believe He communicates clearly with me in regards to helping Erin. You can chose to believe what you want about what has happened. This is simply the truth of the events as I know them.

Oh yeah... This post is going to be quite long... Just a heads up.

It's funny how an average day can change so quickly. One moment everything is going fine or even great. Then one little thing happens and it sets you on a new course of what seems like is disaster. And you're scared because everything has gone from very stable to not stable at all. It's frightening. And if I'm honest about it, I hate it very much.

March 25, 2012

It was an ordinary Sunday morning. I was running a bit behind schedule, like I do every Sunday, as I'm trying to get ready to go. Out the door, in the car, down the road... I'm singing along to the radio as we go. My mom (Erin's mom) has it on the Christian radio station and one of my many favorite worship songs are on. Things look like they are going to be a normal, relaxing Sunday.

Sunday school was really good. I'm in a basic beliefs class and I learned quite a bit. After that is the service, which I love because I love my God so much and I enjoy getting together with people who love Him like I do; there's just something about it... I don't know what it is.

During the beginning prayer, I tell my God my concerns about Yomi and about Grace and about others within; trying to let my concerns go so they wouldn't distract me during the service. I told my God that Yomi needed a wake up call, something to pull her out of the funk with which she was beginning to affect the rest of us.

Then "Revelation Song" came on. Immediately, Tommi and I move to block as much sound from the Black Room as we can since this song is a strong trigger for Yomi. I don't completely understand why, but I have my suspicions it's because she doesn't like to be reminded of the Truth regarding God. As I moved to block it, my instincts told me to stop, to let Yomi hear it. So I did and I prevented Tommi from blocking too...

The effect was immediate.

Yomi was screaming, yelling, crying, cursing. If I had been in the Black Room, I'm sure she would have been hitting me. She wanted us to block it, to make it so she couldn't hear the song. She was so scared. It hurt me to see her like that, but I knew, somehow, that it needed to be done.

Then I heard my God say to me, "You have asked Me before to bring My healing Light into the darkness of the Black Room... It's time. Go into the Black Room. My Light will be with you." I wish I could say I did what He told me to do immediately... But I wasn't so sure this was a good idea. Purposefully triggering Yomi to wake her up is one thing, but bringing light into the Black Room?! And not only that, but God's Light... That was something else entirely. And I told Him so. But He repeated Himself and, after a moment, I conceded.

The others have told me that I wear golden armor now. I never see it, but they have no reason to lie to me. However, I have had a sword of light when I have had need of one, and it appeared at my side this time as well. Drawing it in my left hand, the entire Black Room was filled with brilliant white Light. It was incredible.

Off to my right a ways was the Pit, which I already knew about. Just beyond the circle of white doors stood Nere and Stenno, so they are no longer missing in action. When I looked past them, I saw a huge towering castle that spiraled into the air. It had five spires in total and it had a thick wall surrounding it.

"Go there. I am with you," said the voice from God. When I got there, the gate opened up to a small courtyard. The ground was dusty and the darkness fled from the light of my sword.

Entering the first spiraling tower/building, I came into a long hallway. The walls were covered in tapestries depicting failed battles. They showed dying knights on white horses being overcome by dark enemies with horrible faces twisted in pain. At the far end of the hallway was a huge tapestry from the floor to the ceiling, which was also very high. It showed the moment right before the defeat of a woman knight in white armor. Her enemy was a massive Minotaur-type creature and he was about to plunge his spear into her side. It was beautiful in the sense that it captured the perfect moment as the realization dawns on the white knight that she is going to die. The entire place exuded an air of defeat and depression.

On either side of the tapestry was a door that led to a throne room. Upon the throne was a dark figure. I know from previous experiences with spiritual forces that this was not a demon nor a spirit from outside of us. Whatever this thing was, it's root was from within, which is far more frightening to me.

I asked it's name. "Fear/Defeat," it said, which really didn't surprise me at this point. I told it to leave, that it had no right to be on the throne. It challenged me to a fight (it was more of a fight of wills than an actual sword fight, but the battle of wills visualized into a sword fight). I won the fight, but I did not get rid of the Fear/Defeat. The Fear/Defeat said something about there being five thrones and how this isn't over, which was quite cliche, and then he left. When he fled, black things came from the doors on either sides of the throne dais. At this point, I felt waaaay over my head and the voice from God told me to retreat.

On the way back to the White Room from the Castle, Tommi yelled and screamed at me how it wasn't my place to be there. How he is the one who protects Yomi and how I need to mind my place. I ignored him... I didn't know what else to do. I was so shocked at the extent of hurt and fear that Yomi has been hiding all these years.

When I came back out, good friends of ours were praying for us, for which I am very grateful. They have always been there for Erin whenever we have needed them, even when we think we didn't. I love them very much. After the service, I asked them to pray for Erin and the three of us did.

March 26 - April 1, 2012

I learned at some point that Grace had taken the kids (Bloomer, Ellie, Ginko, and Rachel) to the Room of Requirement to protect them from whatever was going to happen. I'm very glad she did.

I hate to say this, but I ignored Tommi and Yomi for quite a while. Granted, Anguish started her storm up again so I couldn't communicate with them, but I still was stalling; I didn't know what to do. I felt completely out of my league and over my head. I was hoping that nothing would happen until I could talk to our counselor. And despite the constant headache from the storm, everything else was calm.

Talking to our counselor was a huge relief. We came up with a plan of how to start taking care of the Castle since that's not just something you leave alone once you see it.

The major problem was how we were going to get Yomi to consent to going to counselling sessions. Our counselor came up with a great idea: force her to come. I know that sounds like a bad idea since people who don't want to be helped won't be helped, but we figured that if she was coming she had a better chance of getting help than if she was inside doing nothing.

And so I talked it out with Ellie (who has the highest authority among us), Grace, and Tommi. Come to find out, while I was ignoring him, Tommi had gone back into the Castle to assess how "damaged" Yomi is. His imput has been invaluable and his searching put him solidly on the side of making sure Yomi gets the kind of help she desperately needs, even if she hates us in the process.

We haven't confronted Yomi yet, but we plan on giving her a chance to cooperate before we force her into anything. I hope and pray that she decides to be cooperative... I hate having to put her in the position that we're planning on... But when you see someone so blatantly hurting, how can you not move to make sure they get what they need?

My counselor likened it to someone with an eating disorder. When you see with your own eyes someone you love throwing up in the toilet purging their stomach or when you see any other blatant evidence that there is a serious issue... You have to make a choice: push it under the rug or get them help. And if you push it under the rug, how can you claim to love that person?

This is where we have come with Yomi. I have seen with my own eyes the depth of the pain that she is afflicted with, now I have a choice: push it under the rug or get her help. I love Yomi more than anyone else within or without. I absolutely can not push her pain away. I must help her, even if she doesn't want that help.

-- Morrigan Portalis, Warrior of Erin

Sometimes Promises are Hard to Keep -- Grace

"And so I made promises to everyone within that I would never put us in situations that are dangerous or frightening..."

(Myself, November 35, 2011)

I went to the CR group tonight. I feel as though I've been going crazy lately, so I thought it might help a little; I wish I had been right. The state in which I walked away from the meeting was far worse than the state that I walked in with, which is unusual for us. Usually the topic gives us things to think over and helps us at some point in time, but not tonight.

The night's topic was self-destructive behaviors. It resounded so clearly with all the pent up feelings I've been having lately. Feelings of intense restlessness, sexual needs, the desire to socialize in a club-type environment... and much more that I can not explain clearly enough.

Something that people don't exactly realize is that the life I led in the world of Alter was perfectly suited to taking care of those needs. I led a life of uncertain luxury. I had risen through the ranks of society, not because of money, but on the sheer reputation of being an exciting person to be around. I didn't have to be in a city long to be able to find the best clubs, the up-and-coming artists/bands, restaurants on the verge of popularity, and generally the best places in the city to be at any given time. (If, at this point you're wondering how this fits in with the hacker story... I used my position to gain access to information in order to siphon off funds . I was rarely caught.)

On top of that, by Alter's standards, I'm drop dead gorgeous. From what I understand, I'd still be beautiful here. I am a small person with naturally curly, fiery hair and emerald eyes amid a generous spattering of freckles. I had idealistic beauty according to rich society. Life was easy to get by in, because, as soon as one "Benefactor" grew tired of me, there was always another only minutes away. Sometimes, I would move to a new city when I grew tired of the old one.

So I went from that life of excitement... and moved to one of utter moronic boredom.

In many ways, I don't mind. It marks a new part of life and I am determined to embrace it... But the withdrawal symptoms... Restlessness... Needs... Desires... Wants... All of which are considered "dangerous" or "frightening" to act upon by many of the others inside, which means I cannot take care of them in the ways that I am accustomed.

So I find new ways... Where do I look? What is there in this god-forsaken place? I've looked at the things available in this area and it's all about antiques, guns, wineries/vineyards, bed & breakfasts, and lots and lots of hiking trails... I would love to go to a winery, but, between medication lack of funds, I can't go.

Lack of funds is a huge problem. I haven't had to think about it in a long time. Suddenly not able to go where I want, when I want. It's strange. The next town over has a very happening bar scene as well as a music scene, but Morrigan and Tommi have told me to stay away from bars and we haven't the funds to go to shows anyway.

I feel stuck in so many ways. I desperately want to keep my promises... But the longer that I cannot take care of my needs, the more they build up and create a pressure that drives me insane. I've felt it building for quite a while now and I'm becoming afraid that I'm going to blow up.

And the scariest thing, I don't even know what it will look like on this side of reality.

So I have no way to protect the others from myself except to keep shoving the feelings away...

But that causes more pressure...

And the fuse is getting shorter...

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boom

Second Life -- Morrigan

I'm so excited! After having several talks with my pastor over the course of several weeks, I'm finally getting baptized this week.

After a series of significant events and the influence of people like Scott and Laura, and Tim and Jenny, I became a Christian January 5th. Looking back, I can see how good God has been to me my whole life. I can see how He has given me the skills and tools I've needed to become the person I am today, and I love the person who I have become. Since accepting Jesus' offer of equal exchange, I clearly see and know how much help I have been given. I have calm assurance that everything is going to work out for our good as we work towards our goals. I have been given guidance on how to work with others within; when to say what, when to act, when to stay silent. It's rather uncanny and I know that it is not something of myself.

I have seen my own heart change, even within these few weeks. I no longer am hostile toward my brother, Jihan (If you knew how much I hated him, then you would know how much of a miracle that is). I am no longer threatened by Blissy (if you have heard anything about her, then you would know how amazing that is). I have had dialogues with both of them very recently and it's been very good. I am looking forward with great expectations in regards to my relationships with them.

And then there is this bubbling happiness that never leaves me. Even when I'm irritated or completely bummed out by something (like I was today when some guy at art class stole my Pepsi... GAAAAH!!), it is always there under the surface and I am not irritated for long. I'm pretty sure people call it joy, but I love to call it constant bubbling happiness, because that's what it feels like. I feel it where ever I'm going and whatever I'm doing. I wish everyone could have what I have because every person would be better for it.

-- Morrigan Portalis, Warrior of Erin

Disclaimer -- Bloomer

In reading comments, I realized how misleading our blog can be since we don't talk about our external personal life. So I'd like to make a disclaimer and explain a few things.

This blog's purpose is about our internal world/structure and our journey to understand ourselves and our past. We have chosen not to disclose our external personal life unless it is relevant to the topic at hand.

That said, we do have friends; we are quite social as a whole, in fact. We have hobbies: video games (Tommi plays Oblivion IV for pc), reading (The Dresden Files by Jim Butcher, The Leviathan Series by Scott Westerfeld, to name a few), art (we are pursuing an art career, plus Ellie LOVES to color), math (well, mostly only I love math), and many other things.

Many nights we are out to the early hours of the morning with a few friends who know and are comfortable with us all. In fact, we love hanging out with friends at the local McDonald's because their lobby is open 24/7. Actually, Ellie and I have been lobbying the others to not stay out quite so late since we don't enjoy being tired in the mornings. They do a pretty good job of paying attention to how much they stay out and when Ellie and I have our allotted times outside.

We attend a local college trying to finish a general Associates Degree.

We're also trying to find things to do over the summer so we don't get bored and create more chaos inside, which tends to happen when Yomi is either bored or avoiding emotions. We have a few ideas. Yomi's considering joining a local community orchestra on flute. Tommi and I are trying to figure out how to volunteer/intern at a computer place. Ellie's wanting to overcome her phobia of swings so she can play on a playground. Tommi is also wanting to learn to do cosmetology stuff this summer; things like dying or cutting hair and doing make up and stuff. Morrigan hasn't figured out what she'd want to do for herself yet. Oh, and Tommi's doing a travelling journal type thing where he finds fascinating things in our area to do and writes about them.

All in all, we're fairly active. Which is one of the reasons why the previous post was at the beginning of December and now it's the end of the middle of January. Between then and now, we've visited Erin's relatives (who are all really cool people), celebrated Christmas, and are vaguely being a part of planning a sister's wedding (that's mostly Yomi's deal). I mean, we've done more, I just can't think of what.

We are also in individual therapy as well as group therapy (which is loosely based on Celebrate Recovery).

If you don't hear about our external life, it's not because it is non-existent. It's only because we don't wish to share it on this blog. However, our Google+ account has more of our external life if any readers are interested.

Thank you all.

-- Bloomer