Promises
Last week, our counselor gave us some homework that, I believe, was one of the most important things we could have ever done. She had us write down every thing we wanted. No, that's not a typo, there is supposed to be a space there between Every and Thing. She had us write down small things, big things, minuscule inklings, gigantic dreams, materialistic things, immaterial goals. Every thing we wanted out of our individual lives. And we all (for the most part) did.
I recently have been undergoing a lot of changes, which are not apparent to you blog readers, but I am significantly different than I was even a few weeks ago.
I've stopped living in Alter, which had been my main form of release (stress, etc). That made me want to have fun out here... But that isn't safe for us at all; plus the area in which we live is so rural that I can't find any decent place for dancing. I'm like in hillbilly hell or something.
Again, I know this isn't apparent to anyone who reads this, but there is something I deem more important than anything else, and that's keeping promises. If I say the words "I promise" you can stake your life that it will get done.
This is where our wants and desires come into play. It's finally gotten through my head that in order for me to live a fun life full of freedom and joy, I have to help the others more than I have been. I have to let go of my wild life I used to have, no matter how much I might miss it. And so I made promises to everyone within that I would never put us in situations that are dangerous or frightening, which makes me sad, but I know it's for the best.
And I finally figured out how to describe what it's like going from a wild nightlife to one of responsibility. First of all, this really sucks. But second, it's like going through withdrawals. I've been scrambling around the house looking for good quality chocolate (every girl should know what that means) and trying to distract myself from getting dressed up and walking out the door. It helps that the car is currently broken, but I know I could walk somewhere.
I want to go out and do many things. I want to go get drunk. I want to go dancing. I want to go home with a man or a woman. I want to have fun as defined by me.
But what am I doing?
Before writing this, I was curled up on the couch (on a Friday night) choking back tears from the intense desire to do things I promised to not do. I was watching a chick flick for heavens sake! ("27 Dresses" if anyone is interested). I feel like a drug addict, maybe not to quite that same degree (I've never been on drugs, so I don't know). It's a battle of will. I know I will not lose, for I am strong. But the battle itself is miserable and I hate it with every fiber of myself.
Yet at the same time, I know that I am saving us. I am saving us from fear. Saving us from being used. Saving us from potential diseases. Saving us from anything that could go wrong.
But most of all, I am saving us from
Guilt
And with every passing moment, I am slowly beginning to live up to my given name:
Grace
