Read This First
In October of 2010 Erin was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. This blog is to record what is going inside Erin's mind. We don't know what all that will entail... But we are hoping that keeping a record of it will help in some manner. We also hope that maybe, just maybe, that we'll heal from whatever issues that we have and come out victorious.
All personalities or identities within Erin are invited to write here; each entry will be marked with who is writing.
If you are a survivor yourself, there are no trigger warnings on the entries... Please be careful as you navigate this blog. If you are a significant other of someone with DID/MPD, our hope is that this blog may be of some use to you, but please remember that every person with DID is very unique and must be considered as their own case.
Thank you for visiting!
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
On an abuse website we are all on, I have begun to tell my story of my life in Alter... I thought it'd be a cakewalk. I thought that life didn't effect me anymore. I thought it would exorcise my memories and leave me cleaner....
But it's haunting me. Every time I write, I feel their hands, their claws, their teeth. I feel things digging into my fur. I see them coming for me. I hear their breath in my ears. They follow me. They hunt me. I just want them gone forever but they keep coming back. I thought remembering would relieve this. I thought remembering would help. But right now, in this moment, completely forgetting about my life there sounds really good.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
ones of them halps me find the music man namd Nobuo Uematsu. i lovs him verry much. he maks songs that my heart sings. one song in particular is exactly wat my heart be signing rigt now.
FFIX(9) Freya's Theme/Gizmaluke's Grotto Theme -- Orchestral.
I don no who freya is but this is zactly wat my heart be sayin rigt now. i lovs this music verry verry muchs.
this song sounds lik it is cryin cuz somethin verry sad jus happind but at sam tim it is verry brave sound. this song still has hope. this song says it not ovr yet. cry today. be sad today but don forget that we wills push on till we finds the good.
-- Little Erin
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
ims little erin. i don rigt here verry muchs but ims out lots tooo. i lovs the color blue an pink. tommi byed me a pink shirt yestrday an it makd me verry hapy. there no be verry many hapy insid rigt now but we doin kay. the storm angwish is verry stron somtims an no so stron other tims. we thinks angwish was don bein stormy this mornin, but shes bak to stormin gains. I keeps wonderin wen she gon get tird? wens she gon go sleps? I wondr ifs morrigan an yomi can com bak wens angwish stop bein stormy. i hop thas soon.
anway i gots to go eat supper now. i jus wants to say hiii.
-- Little Erin
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Some good news though, Little Erin managed to find a tunnel between the Room of Requirement and the White Room, so now her, Bloomer, and I are all together. Morale is definitely a bit up from gloomy because of that. Bloomer and Little Erin are very good friends; it was hard on them the way it was.
I'm starting to have theories about what the storm is or, more accurately, who is causing the storm. I have a really good feeling that it is the pre-personality/fragment named Anguish causing it. I feel like I ought to talk to her, but I'm worried that she'll be too strong for me, take over, and run somewhere... Like, run away from the parent's house and be out on her own... Of all the things to happen, that is not one of them. So I'm not going to talk to her for now.
I have a strong gut feeling that Morrigan is in Alter. I don't know where she is or why she went there. I also think that's where Sierra took the girls. I mean, this is just me making conjecture... But it sounds right to me.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
The Black Room is in a state of chaos. It's like there's a storm out there. I look out the window to the Black Room and all I see is darkness. The Circle of Light cannot be seen; it's as though the light has disappeared. There is a strong howling wind. I cannot open the door; I think it's locked.
Little Erin is locked inside the Room of Requirement. That room is designed to keep everyone inside safe. If there is something dangerous in the Black Room, it automatically locks until the danger is gone. It will not allow people inside if they have dangerous intentions either. Thank god Little Erin's walky talky still works; it may be static-y now, but at least I can talk to her.
She told me that Sierra took Ginko and Rachel away for a while and to not tell anyone until people noticed something had gone wrong. She told me that Morrigan left sometime after Yomi remembered the original attack at the playground last Wednesday. Opal has been gone for some time now; she went back to the Figurine Room. Marie-Shiloh has been gone for a while too. We don't know where she went.
It's terrifying. I may be Yomi's protector and the temporary main protector and I may be doing my best, but I'm still only 13 years old. I might have lived more than 13 years, but I am a 13 year old. I am so young trying to take care of a 9 and a 6 year old while living out a 21 year old's life. I know it hasn't been that long since Yomi has gone (she left early this morning)... but I'm worried she won't be back for a while. I'm worried that I'll be the temporary main protector as well as the temporary main... I've been out for nearly 4 days straight and I'm already tiring.
On top of all this, because of some life stuff and Yomi remembering the original attack, the fragment named Anguish is becoming more and more of a full personality. I didn't know about this until a day or so ago... Yomi is still splitting. I thought we were done with that. All of us thought we were done with that. But Yomi is splitting and it's very not good.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Some of the humorous things are arguements about what kinds of underwear we wear, discussions on wether we should dress like a boy or dress like a girl, and the difference between our voices inside and outside. Now, I don't presume to speak for all male alters in female bodies, but I do speak for me and Bloomer, the two boys that are out most often.
Bloomer and I were very excited about a week or more ago because Yomi was finally able to buy us boxers. I find tighty whities to be very uncomfortable, so girl underwear has been a pain. It's amazing how much more comfortable in this body I am with the righ kinds of clothes. I know Bloomer feels the same as we've discussed it. Now with this added variety of underwear comes rules you'd never expect to have to have. Yomi and Little Erin find boxers very uncomfortable, so they dnt want to wear them when they're outside. However, we can't be changing clothing all the time, so we had came up with a compromise between the four of us. The basic gist of it is that whoever gets dressed gets to pick what we wear and no one can change it without good reason (situational appropriateness and so forth). It's working out pretty good so far.
Now, the decision to dress like a boy or a girl is also the topic of many discussions inside. I will dress either way, depending on what is going on that day. I enjoy doing make up and clothes stuff for girls so it doesn't bother me to dress the body that way. In fact, I've dressed the body for Yomi on ocassion because she knows I like to. Bloomer almost always dresses as much like a boy as he can. However the jeans Yomi has are all definitely girl jeans, so it's more difficult than it sounds. But him and I get over that and just wear t-shirts and jeans usually.
Dressing like a boy crosses over into the not so fun discussion because, well, to be frank, girls have breasts and boys do not. Bloomer and I are constantly aware that we are not in our own body because of this problem and I know it makes me uncomfortable realizing they're there. A pretty good fix Bloomer and I have come up with is layering shirts over a camisol and "wife beater" tank top. That works for now, but a better solution will have to be found. I've done some researching at Female-to-Male transgender sites and they recommend binding the chest with ace bandages. Maybe one day... That'd be nice.
Another entertaining problem is the difference of our voices inside and outside. Yes, Bloomer and I are pretty young still, so we don't have deep voices inside, but my voice is higher out here... Much more than I like. I end up sounding a lot like Yomi and that bothers me too, but our pattern of speech is different, so that helps I suppose.
The least fun topic, on which I will only speak very briefly, is "that time of the month." Honestly, I just try not to be out here when that's going on. It's gross and I don't want to deal with it. Us boys and Little Erin are super grossed out, so we let Yomi and Morrigan deal with it.
I think one other frustrating thing about being a boy in a girl's body is that I think people would have a hard time remembering that I'm me, I'm a young boy... With Little Erin, people only have to remember that she's 6. With me and Bloomer, a person has to keep our age and gender in mind, which is hard when we physically look like a girl. I'm not solid on this theory, but I'm sure it's sound. I haven't any friends out here, so I don't know who I would ask about it.
That's all for right now.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Anyway, she's been reflecting on events that happened back then and it's pulling up memories for me too. I keep remembering things about the man at the playground. I don't remember how many times he came and hurt Erin and Little Erin, but I remember that, at some point, Horsie and I stopped fighting. We realized that we couldn't touch him. If Erin or Little Erin decided to go to the playground and he showed up... There was absolutely nothing we could do...
I remember looking across the man and Little Erin at Horsie; her face was so defeated and hopeless. I remember doing the only thing I knew I could do while the man was there... I licked Little Erin's face, trying to clean her tears, trying to give what small comfort I had to offer... I was trying to say, "I'm sorry, little one. I'm sorry we can't do anything, but at least I am here for you; I will not leave your side."
And now I feel such inexpressible sorrow... There is no blame attached to it... but it is deep and it is a piercing ache in a place that feels deeper than my heart. I don't know what that means exactly, but maybe it is my very soul that mourns for two little girls who were used in absolutely horrible ways. I have a distinct feeling that I will have to relive each memory... I wish I did not. I wish I could bury it in the far reaches of our mind forever. But I know that if I did that, my family and I would not heal the way we should. I will never be able to sit with Erin and Little Erin and Morrigan and cry together about a shared horror.
Back in January and February, Little Erin was so insistent that it was highly important that I remember what happened in our Life Before. She shared with me her memory in hopes that I might remember my own role in the story and be able to sit with her in understanding. Like the thick-headed person I am, I thought this was a memory of me being used by this man. Yes, the point of view made it look that way, but it was Little Erin's memory, why would it be from a different point of view? After a while, I shoved this memory away from me as much as I could and it pained me to talk to Little Erin. Oh, how I wish I could take back some of what I said and did then.
I think I understand Little Erin's insistence now. She needed someone to sit and cry with her, but no one understood her tears. I do now. I know what happened back then. I know my part of the story. And, miracle of miracles, I don't blame myself for not being able to stop it. The memory of what happened is still so very painful, but at least for now, for today, I understand that it wasn't my fault that I couldn't stop it.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
But she got me reflecting on what happened to cause Erin's original splits... When Erin was only 6 years old, Yomi and I lived outside the body and supported Erin as "imaginary friends"... We were her helpers, her protectors... But imaginary friends are no help against a solid man. When he attacked Erin... I couldn't do anything. My hardest efforts didn't even effect the man. I litterally couldn't touch him...
I know this, so why 15 years later... Why do I feel there was something more I could have done? Why is my heart so heavy? I know it wasn't my fault but why do I feel so helpless whenever I think back? I don't remember much, but what I do remember... It drags my heart down.
I have never felt this way before. I have never felt so burdened with sadness. I have no energy. I feel helpless. I feel as though I've lost myself. I sit here curled up in a blanket and wish I didn't have things that I had to do. But I get up and do them...
When I am inside... I do my job, but otherwise I sleep. We all sleep. We are all exhausted. I feel like we are weakening.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
I was asked, "What pit are you stuck in?"
Setting aside my obvious thought about the Pit and the Tombs, I started thinking about all the things that have been really irking me this past half week. I was given the homework by our therapist to find out things I liked doing, what interests I had. Yomi and I decided that I would be the Main alter for the week and Yomi would go inside and rest.
I never knew how much Yomi actually does. She has so many responsibilities to her outside family: chores, finding a job, being with the family, being with friends, going to church. And then there's everything she does for the inside family: planning times when certain people can come out when it's safe for them, looking for items we would like, keeping everyone entertained, taking care of our body, splitting her life in two for us. She does so much more than I thought.
I thought Yomi was weak because she didn't do certain things that I thought she should, but she has so much on her plate that she just couldn't get there...
What pit are you stuck in?
I have written before how I am a Warrior come home from the battle. I have been dealing with waiting for bad things to happen but they don't ever happen... It's frightening... But that's not my pit.
What pit am I stuck in? In this process of learning, of going from surviving to living, I have gone from knowing exactly what I am doing to constantly second guessing myself. I feel inadequate, unable to do my job... And yet... It feels like my job has been taken away. I am the Protector, but there is nothing to protect from. It seems like there are all these unspoken things that I must do that I just can't get done.
I must be a good friend. I know I have a lot to learn... but within the last month or so I have let my best friends down so badly. I hardly know how to connect with them... Before it was simple because there were obvious needs on both sides... But now, I am so clueless.
I must be a good protector. I don't know what to protect against. There is nothing painful outside to protect from. Yet I am a protector...
I must help Yomi. She is so horribly tired. She has done so much for so long. She has so much to learn herself... And as Co-main I feel I must help her. Organize. Remember the little important things. Help keep track of everyone inside. But at the same time, I hardly know how to do that.
On top of that, the responsibilities I have for only this week... I feel so far behind. So lacking. Not enough. And if I'm being completely honest with myself... I feel like I have failed somehow. I can't identify who I have failed or how... But that feeling is still there.